God Made Me Do It

Christian Boyer is a twenty-one-year-old college graduate of Reverend Luke and Martha Boyer. Christian grew up in a deeply religious, Christian home where God or the vast realms of theology took precedence over all other topics. He was constantly bombarded with diverse religious matters: His food was blessed, he haircuts needed to pass inspection, his clothing bought with care and modesty in mind, he could not drink alcohol and sex outside of marriage was strictly forbidden. When discussed it was in hushed tones of embarrassing, intimate privacy. Martha was not allowed to participate in any discussion of that ugly, sinful topic. Of course, Christian was expected to attend church every Sunday and any other special, religious event. He reluctantly, at his father’s insistence, became the Sunday morning bible study teacher for the parishioner’s children. He knew much about the bible, to be expected from a father that is the head of a church. Many times, Christian would inquire concerning certain parts of the bible and his father’s response would be, “I’m not familiar with that.”

However, despite his immersion into the holy waters of religious dominance and indoctrination Christian did not drown. He did not rebel or offer argumentative opinions at home concerning his dissatisfaction with any religion that speculates about a God or Gods, then calls that speculation a fact without a shred of proof. Christian saw this attitude as a blind and obedient faith.

He was not passionate about his anti-religious beliefs. People believe all kinds of non-sense, illogical, and superstitious myths. For him, it was futile to be passionate to the extent that he wanted other people to be atheists, also. In a vast majority of cases what other people believed about religion and a supernatural God did not affect him, though he did like to listen and analyze their reasoning. Who knows, he thought, he may learn something. He believed that it was better to listen than talk. He didn’t learn much by talking (talking only expresses what he already learned or believed). He learned by listening, reading, thinking, concluding. Listening was better than talking, though it had the disadvantage of making insecure people feel that he didn’t care about what is being discussed or that he may be laughing at their thoughts. Not true, but it happened to him a lot.

Christian was an atheist. One of his main tenants was that “What can be claimed without evidence can be summarily rejected without evidence.” Christian was not a radical, shout-from-the-roof-tops atheist. He did not try to spread his atheism. He was content with his own research and opinions formulated during the last two decades. He was not hostile toward his father or his mother. He loved them and was affectionate towards them. He tried not to plunder their religious beliefs, but he was skeptical about most of them.

A book that was so sacred to his dad was littered with illogic, contradictions, it praised slavery, accepted massacres and genocide, subjugated women, allowed the sacrifice of children, and more, much more demeaning, disgusting actions and often barbaric beliefs and actions. But in sermons his father never talked about them.

Christian only offered his opinion or arguments when asked to do so, otherwise he was content in his own self-confidence, though he was not ridged. Christian possessed a keen mind; he was curious, and thoughtful, calm, and reasonable, and valued logic.

One day he asked himself, “If I wanted to study science, math, geography, biology, chemistry, etc. should I read the bible, or should I consult a current science book, math book, geography book (maps), biology and chemistry books?”

One day at lunchtime his father said something derogatory about Catholicism. Christian took the opportunity to ask, “Dad, why are there so many different religions and slightly different versions of the bible? Why does one religious sect not like or understand another one? Was the Christian god that you believe in really that poor at communicating his wishes for Mankind, or did God make stupid people? Now you have various and competing religions, one of which even has the word protest in its name. So, am I wrong to protest religion itself? Then there are subtle differences in their bibles and even in some of their prayers, plus there’s the myriad interpretations, followed by the manifold interpretations of interpretations. Doesn’t that make you think and doubt, or at least be skeptical? Doesn’t the reasoning and logical part of your brain rebel against the unreasonable and illogical part of your brain? Could it be that you can’t see this because a certain religion was brain-washed into you by your parents and it would be disrespectful and dishonorable to the memory of your mom and dad? You loved them and they certainly love you, but you your life doesn’t have to be dominated by all their standards, beliefs, rules. I hope you can see that that is what is happening to me. But I love you and mom, always will, however must I think like you or mom? Not about religion, I can’t.

“Behave yourself, son! Nobody brain-washed anybody,” was his response.

“Let him speak and learn. He has a curious mind. Does God dislike curious minds who ask questions instead of absorbing and living by their parents’ thoughts and actions? You and I may learn something, too, Luke,” Martha interjected with no so subtle sarcasm and regretting it as immediately after saying it.

“Martha, we’ve talked about these types of discussions before. You are not permitted to participate. Please remember or re-read 1 Timothy 2:11-14 and Corinthians 13: 34.”

Martha’s face flushed with humiliations as she spoke. “When we were first married you were never so severe, so rigid with your religious views and demands. Timothy and Corinthians basically tells women to ‘shut-up. Don’t talk.’”

“What I’m doing is asking you to abide by the bible’s teachings in the parts of Timothy and Corinthians that I quoted to you.”

“That is what they mean, Luke. They want women to shut their mouths. The ancient, ignorant bible men don’t want women to talk and, God forbid, they express a thought or an opinion. You need to look up the word misogyny and apply it to yourself and your precious bible. I’ll bet you that I’ve read it more thoroughly than you have. Read it in depth and you’ll shock yourself at the awful, blood-chilling things God does or condones, especially in the old testament.

“Martha, we should discuss this in private. I don’t want to confuse or upset Christian.”

Christian smiled but thought, there’s no confusion and I’m not the one getting upset, but he said nothing.

“Private? Discussions like this should have been happening as he was growing up. You are not the only one in this house who can think, who is curious, who is searching for answers and can see and feel non-sense when we hear it. A virgin birth, walking on water, parting the sea. I believe in god as you do, but I’m not stupid. Perhaps those things are just metaphors, perhaps they are nice stories for children.”

Christian was still sitting quietly, but wondering if he should have been quiet considering the direction this discussion was going in. Christian had quietly had these self-discussions most of his life, at least from when he was five or ten years old. Each year he kept on seeing and hearing more and more non-sense relating to religion. All the Greek, Roman, Egyptian gods are now called myths. Fun to read about but not real, of course. A hundred years from now, maybe sooner, Christianity and Islam will be alongside the other mythical gods found in books.

Christian did not want his father and mom to be at odds with each other. This discussion was not worth the damage it may cause them.

Luke took a deep breath. “I didn’t know you felt so strongly about the inadequacies of the bible. You should have said something.”

“I’m not used to independent thinking. Usually you or the bible tell me what to think and do.”

“I can’t continue if you two are going to fight. I don’t want that,” Christian said sorrowfully.

“OK, son, please speak freely,” Luke murmured, unable to relieve his frustration.

“Dad, do you believe the Christian god is all-knowing, you know, that he knows everything about the past, present and future?”

Martha sat quietly wondering in what direction this conversation would go and what surprising new knowledge she could glean from Christian’s questions, as well as Luke’s responses.

“Omniscience is the word for an all-knowing God. Our Christian God is certainly an omniscient god.” Luke looked at Christian with sadness in his eyes.

“And you believe in God granting mankind a free-will? That we can freely choose our words, actions and behaviors?”

“Yes, I do.”

“So, as far as omniscience goes, God knows our future words, actions and behaviors.”

Martha’s brow furrowed as she wondered about Christian’s questions as well as Luke’s laconic answers. She found herself sitting on the edge of her chair, hands palms down on the table.

Luke frowned, also, a puzzled expression blanketed his face. He thought, “Why is this type of conundrum never mentioned or discussed when one prepares to be a reverend or paster of a church? Because it should be avoided for the good of the congregation, thus it could never be talked about from the pulpit or anywhere but in the privacy of your own thoughts? He thought about the dangers of doing so, especially with the more analytical of his parishioners. Luke rubbed his elongated, ski-slope nose, then his forehead, and finally his lips.

Christian saw this and paused to give his dad a moment to think, to collect his thoughts before moving onward.

But Martha smiled with raised eyebrows and thought, “Go get-um, son.” She was surprised, but happy to see and hear this religious chess game which Luke usually dominated commandingly over his parishioners, friends, and herself. She’d had to “shut-up” for too long, so she was enjoying herself.

Startling both mother and son, Luke blurted, “What do you mean? That’s non-sense. Who has been emptying their bowels into your mind? Now you’re full of crap. I see that too much education is a dangerous thing for some people.”

“He really means that too much thinking is a dangerous thing,” Martha stated as she addressed her son.”

Luke stared angrily at her but said nothing.

And before his dad could say anything, Christian said, “Dad, you said that God knows all my words, thoughts, behaviors past, present, and future.”

“I did. Yes. So what?”

“Well, if God is omniscient and he already knows that I will skip school tomorrow, then I must skip school. If I don’t do as he thinks, then he was wrong; therefore, he cannot be all-knowing. I must do as his thoughts command me to do because his thoughts determine what I will do or think next. That eliminates free-will. If someone asks me why I did such and such a thing I will answer that, ‘God made me do it.’ That is if I believed in a God with omniscience.

“You actually believe that Christian?”

“I believe it’s a possibility, food for thought, thinking outside-the- box that religion imprisons you inside of its highly restrictive perimeter.”

“Interesting,” Martha whispered to herself.

But Luke heard her then stared at Martha with displeasure radiating from his facial gesture. he said, “Martha, for Christ’s sake, don’t encourage his radical, roguish thinking.”

“Perhaps radical in perception, but if there’s no father, God, then there’s no son, Jesus. You don’t find that interesting because your thoughts are pre-determined by your training and by your lack of insight into philosophical inquiry. You have no room for ‘outside-the-box thoughts.’ Wouldn’t it be incredibly ironic if all our conflicting thoughts were being determined by a hysterically laughing female God?” She burst into laughter that greatly annoyed Luke.

“Why do you encourage his blasphemous thinking, Martha? Don’t you see that he’s racing down the road to perdition:”

Christian, wanting to avoid any further anger and discontent interrupted by saying, “Dad, please be reasonable. I’m not being blasphemous, nor heading down the road to perdition. Don’t you believe that God gave us a brain to think with? If he determines my thoughts and yours and moms isn’t god encouraging thoughtful exploration of ideas. Having conflicting thoughts, however, is a different problem. That is, if there is a god.”

“And why can’t god be female?” Martha cried-out surprising herself and demonstrating a startled look appear on her face.

“Please,” interrupted Christian. “I don’t want to create conflict for my parents. I simply want to discuss ideas, possibilities, speculation that isn’t trapped in a jail of rigid religious theology. People have been arguing about these things for millennia. There will be no guaranteed, definitive solutions, just open-minded discussion that may lead one opinion to be much more probable than one opposed to it. There’s a vast difference between what is possible and what is probable.”

“But you are right about the jail of religion, son. Your father is one of its adherents and one of the official jailers with his position of authority in church, especially when it comes to women.”

“Martha, dammit! Don’t you see that your interruptions are making this worse?”

“I suppose that your solution is for me to read Timothy and Corinthians over and over until my own voice brain-washes me into believing that garbage. A good wife is a silent wife, right? I’ve had to live with that bullshit for twenty-two years and it’s time for me to speak-up. I will not be silenced anymore.”

Luke placed his head in his hands and shook his head back and forth, disbelieving what he was hearing from his son and his wife.

“Ok, son! Let’s get your thoughts and reasoning out in the open, if your mother won’t keep interrupting,” Luke shouted as he looked directly at Martha.

Martha looked away from her husband and looked toward Christian. “So, where were we in this discussion?” Marth sighed, then exhaled a pent-up puff or air.

Christian looked and sounded discouraged but continued, “I was trying to express the thought that if God knows everything about the future of people, the world, the universe then mankind has no free-will because everybody must do exactly what God determined they would do according to his foreknowledge of events. That includes changing your mind about something. God would know you were going to change your mind, but it wasn’t you doing it via your free-will, although it seems to have happened that way. It was God changing his mind and you had to follow that change. (I wonder if God changing his mind would ruin his omniscient characteristic. Does changing his mind eliminate the characteristic of being perfect? Does changing your mind mean that you made a mistake that a perfect God could not do?)

So, to act against God thoughts successfully would mean that God made a mistake about what you would do or say. If God does not have omniscience, then Mankind can have free-will, but God would lose the omniscient characteristic.”

“Dad, when I speak of God, I am taking your position that there really is a god although, personally, I do not believe that.”

“Son, I can’t believe you’ve rejected God. We are a family of God. We used to be, anyway Has the devil put these thoughts into you head.”

“I know that I disappoint you. I have not rejected God. To me there is no God to reject. I can’t reject that which does not exist,” Christian answered while feeling guilty about causing his father and mother pain, thought his mom appeared to be much more understanding.

“I don’t know what to say to you, son. I’m confused about your radical thoughts and statements. You must be wrong about them, but I don’t know how to explain or convince you. I need to take solace from Psalm 23: 4. Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me…”

Reverend Boyer bowed his head and silently finished the Psalm.

“Luke, this is what you have done your whole life. You’ve closed your mind to different opinions, different reasoning, different ideas. Anything about religion that you don’t agree with must be wrong. I believe in God, too, but I don’t believe the bible is the perfect word of God. God did not write the bible. Men did. Ignorant ones at that. Interpretations were made, miscommunications were probably frequent centuries ago.”

“Think about this dad, “If you think your Christianity is something special, what religion would you be if you were born to parents in Iraq or Iran? The greatest probability would be that you would be a member of Islam and you would be praising Allah. If you were born in Israel to Jewish parents, your religion would be Judaism. If born in India you’d be a Hindu, and if you were born in Asia, you would most likely follow Buddhism. Do you see that religion is inherited from you parents as they inherited it from their parents? It’s not a genetic inheritance, naturally, but a cultural one supplemented by family traditions.

“It’s the same with your primary language. You grow up in a predominantly English-speaking country to English speaking parents and you’ll will speak English the same language as your parents. You didn’t decide that you wanted to speak English. It’s the language you were surrounded with and you learned it. Your parent’s religion works the same way. As a child you did not suddenly say I will be Christian like my father and mother. You were surrounded by Christianity and accepted it. What is good for mom and dad is good for you, right? You didn’t have a choice, rather you were indoctrinated into speaking English and becoming a Christian like you parents.

I speak English because you spoke English, and I used to be the kind of Christian that you and mom are. You and mom indoctrinated me into both things. It was natural to do so and I do not fault you. But an adult person should be able to choose their own religion, a freedom of religion as well as a freedom from religion. I chose the latter, but I did it not out of angry protest, I did it after years of curiosity, reasoning, reading (including sections of the bible), philosophy and religious classes, ongoing discussions with groups and individuals about what ancient men stated about what their God has said to have done and commanded.

The old testament is a book of terror and God is the chief terrorist. The new testament, the King James version, is not much better (by what authority gave King James the right and the accuracy to make his version of the bible?) Why did he get to have a version named after him? What did he leave out of his version? What did he add?

The bible is a good book only if you omit the half that is atrocious. The good half is all that is talked about. I declare that it is not a good book at all, and people must be blind to the stated atrocities that occur in it, in the name of a mythical God.”

“You’ve taken the wind out of my sails, son. I’m floundering. Let me have a minute to think.”. Luke took a few deep, calming breaths. Martha provided him with a glass of water.

Luke took a few sips, looked at Christian, then snapped, “OK, young man. Let me come right to the point. Do you believe that there is a real Christian God? A heaven and hell?” Luke asked with apprehension in his tone of voice and with moist eyes.

“I’m surprised that you even have to ask. I believe that any God is man-made, as were all the Greek, Roman and Egyptian Gods that are now labeled as myths. I believe God was created to sooth people who are without hope, sooth tragedy and ameliorate fear of death by offering an after-life. Hell created fear whose goal was obedience. I can easily imagine that two-hundred years from now the enlightened people of that time will giggle at the God myths of the past and that currently exit. Dad, yes, I am an atheist with no belief in a God, nor the side effects of heaven and hell. Your God loves you so much that you’ll be cast into the eternal, agonizing fires of hell unless you commit to blind faith and obedience.”

Furthermore, you and mom and nearly everyone on earth are also atheists, but you haven’t thought about it, I guess. If you don’t believe in any of the Greek, Roman and Egyptian Gods then you are an atheist concerning those Gods, but in their time, they were believed to be just as real as any current God.”

Martha, having had some similar, but unexpressed thoughts in the past felt the guilt of blasphemy, but was amazed at the thinking of her young son. And this time she smiled and chose to “shut-up.”

“What about our Christian God also being omnipotent and omnibenevolent? You haven’t talked about them.”

Christian looked at his dad, again feeling guilty about calling into serious doubt some of his entrenched religious beliefs, religious defenses, and hopes for a life-after-death, but he was seeking knowledge, seeking truth and concluded that worshiping any God was self-deception on the grandest scale known to Mankind.

Luke stared down at the table, thinking. His right index finger was scratching on the surface as if he were removing a stain or crumb. Martha reached across the table and rested her hand gently on top of his, so he stopped digging the table’s glossy finish.

Luke knew that he could argue indefinitely with his son and counterattack and, like a chess game, come to a stalemate. But his son was saying things that he had not allowed to enter his thoughts as well as the logical doubts that come into anyone’s mind when faith offers no proof and is, as his son said, the temporary halt to one’s own reason and logic. Religion can do so much good, but the thought of the religious fanaticism of the Christian Crusades in the 11th century to the 13th century appalled him.

He exhaled a puff of air and smirked at the irony of the Muslims getting their revenge by twisting the biblical words to suit their needs as is typical with books of ideas that are falsely held as sacred, unchangeable until some commanding authority offers a current interpretation of an older interpretation. Luke’s thoughts were shortened when he heard his son start talking.

“Dad, should I go on or would you like me to stop? I can see that what I’m saying is painful for you to hear.”

“You know that all your saying could be false, don’t you?”

“Yes, I know that. I never said that I had the guaranteed truth. It’s just the truth as I see and think about religion, All would be clear if a shy, superman in the sky would demonstrate that he is real and not a fable, by showing himself and demonstrating that he is truly a supernatural God who loves his creation of Mankind.”

Martha could not help herself about entering the discussion with her newly found power to disagree with her husband. “Sure son, but how could a real God possibly prove himself?”

“Stop wars, end diseases, cure cancer, correct the damage that Mankind has caused to the world’s environment and many other things that Mankind can’t possibly do immediately. But if I were to choose, I’d take the guy claiming to be God to the nearest veteran’s hospital and ask him to re-grow the legs or arms that have been amputated. That would be convincing for me as long as magicians can’t enter the scene.”

Immediately his father said, “Go ahead, son. Complete your thoughts. I’m much more interested now that I don’t feel as if my lungs have been punctured by your admission of atheism and other related thoughts. However, for a life-long man of God I do feel as if you have splashed me with poisoned holy water that my skin is absorbing. How you could have kept these thoughts secret all these years.”

“It really wasn’t difficult. Of course, when I was much younger, I believed what you believed. I didn’t feel as if I was being indoctrinated, but we know that I was. As I aged, I grew more and more skeptical until I settled on being an agnostic. But, older still, I noticed how rigid you were with your beliefs as well and religious people in general. You didn’t leave room for independent inquiry and you discouraged differing opinions. So, how did I keep it a secret so long. I shut my mouth, did not ask questions, did not research, nor read atheistic writings at home although I did some reading in the bible. I listened to you with hopes of learning more, but the more I learned, the more my disbelief grew into atheism. The work and thinking that I did in college solidified my beliefs. However, whenever there was a test, everyone but me prayed to some God. Just a joke. Sorry.”

Christian paused, then continued. “Dad, do you believe in ghosts, or extraterrestrial aliens?”

“Of course not. That’s a silly question to ask me. You know me better than that.”

“Yes, I do. But the question is the springboard to how I kept my beliefs secret. Now, if I started a serious conversation about ghosts, would you be seriously interested enough to participate?”

“No. It would be a waste of my time.”

“My point is that if I tried to talk seriously about ghosts or aliens, you would not be interested enough to participate. You would be a disinterested listener, or you may simply excuse yourself and do something that you thought was much more worthwhile.”

“Yes, and again, what’s your point.”

“I did the same thing with yours and mom’s discussions about most religious matters. Like talking about ghosts to you, was the same as talking about religious beliefs to me. I ignored you, thought about other more worthwhile pursuits. I never got mad or bitter. I listened quietly, tried not to be rude but didn’t believe much of what you said except when you talked about morals, (but being moral doesn’t need religion, it needs compassion and kindness toward others) because you were talking about something I don’t care about, something that I disbelieve. It wasn’t worth it for me to participate with the both of you. You’ve been religious for so long that I doubt I’d get through to you. I came to my conclusions in the matter of religion and so did you. If what I say is meaningless to you, so be it. I’m not talking in order to convert you to atheism; I am talking so you can finally understand my position on the non-existence of God and other religious doctrines and the “not-so-good-book. Also, I believe that an all-knowing, all-good God with unlimited power, authority and influence would not allow evil to exist, but, as we know, evil not only exists, it surrounds us like an ocean of sin surrounds religious dogma and doctrine. Since evil exists, then I must suspect that the Christian God or any God is neither all-powerful, nor all-good. If that is true, then all the omni characteristics attributed to God are as false as is God’s existence is false.”

Luke made a thoughtful pause in the conversation, then, “It confuses me to see so much evil and still believe in an all-good God. Perhaps God uses evil for the greater good of Mankind.

“I belong to the Epicurus Organization. When anyone becomes a member, they receive a membership card. Each membership card has this printed on it.

Christian took his wallet out of his pocket and pulled his EO membership card out and passed it across the table to his dad to read.

It said:

Epicurus (Greek philosopher 341-270 BC)

Is god willing to prevent evil, but not able?

Then he is not omnipotent.

Is he able but not willing?

Then he is malevolent.

Is he both able and willing?

Then whence cometh evil

Is he neither able nor willing?

Then why call him God?

Now Christian and Martha looked surprised. Christian spoke, “I’d be quite interested in hearing your reasoning for stating that hypothetical question about evil for the good of Mankind. I guess it’s possible for some reason Mankind doesn’t know about, but it doesn’t seem probable. It seems to me that an all-good, all-knowing, all-powerful God would know every possible way in which evil could exist and would know every possible way to prevent that existence. But, again, evil does exist. The primary questions are how? and why? does evil exist if God has all that is necessary to prevent evil from existing?”

This discussion had gone on for hours. The smell of Martha’s spaghetti sauce was pleasing, as if the current discussion was such intensive labor that a ravenous appetite had built up in everyone.

Martha wasn’t far away as she stood by the stove. Father and son were not aware that she had risen from the dining room table to start dinner. She was still listening closely.

Christian spoke. “Through thousands of years of human history thousands of religions have been created by Mankind all around the world. It took many centuries for the existence of many Roman, Greek and Egyptian Gods to be reduced to one supreme God.”

“Are you saying that your explanations and examples prove that no God exists?” Luke queried.

“No, I’m saying that there’s a great probability that there is no supernatural God of any kind. But if there were, I think that it would be impossible to know him. There is a quote from a book written by physicist named Victor Stenger entitled: God: The Failed Hypothesis that said, “After evaluating all the scientific evidence, I conclude that beyond a reasonable doubt the universe and life appear exactly as we would expect if there were not God.”

Martha started setting the dinner table. “OK. Enough of that talk. Let’s eat. Go wash your hands, the both of you.” Martha scooped spaghetti onto each plate, then poured a generous serving of her meat sauce on top of each pile.

When all were seated, Martha looked at Luke and smiled before saying, “Say the blessing, Dear.”

Luke had difficulty being cheerful and thankful with his dinner blessing as bowed heads and hands came together, including Christian’s.

Luke stated, “Thank you, Lord.” It was the shortest blessing that he had ever given at the dinner table. He looked distracted. His smile was not genuine.

Forks went into mouths as lips and chins gathered spaghetti sauce. Instead of dinner table discussions that usually took place, this dinner was as quiet as three graves cover with thick blankets of sadness and guilt.

That night, at approximately 3:00 a.m. Luke rose from bed, quietly removed a heavy object from his dresser drawer then shot and killed his wife and son. Then he placed the handgun into his mouth and blew off the rear half of his head.

The note with Luke’s departing words said, “God made me do it.”