“Dammit Joe! Why would you steal your daughter’s tooth? You know that she’s at the age where children believe that the Tooth Fairy will take the tooth, during the night, and leave money.”
“Only because she’s been indoctrinated to believe crap like that. It’s time for Sarah and other children to stop believing in myths and fairy tales. It doesn’t take long for them to see and hear nonsense and think it’s true. Dammit, Carrol, you should know better.”
“OK, Joe. What will you tell Sarah about Santa Claus? Will you ruin Christmas for her?”
“I’ll tell her the truth. Sure she’ll be disappointed this Christmas time, especially with all her friends believing an imaginary, obese, gift-giver to the world’s children. Truth is usually not dangerous. Believing in bullshit is. It’s confusing. So, what if she finds out the gifts are from her mom and dad. Isn’t that better? Some false beliefs last a lifetime. So, what do you want me to do? Lie so you can enjoy the entertainment your lie provides for you and Sarah?”
“Let’s just agree to disagree, OK?”
“That’s fine, but if she asks me about the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, angels, devils, the world’s multiple Gods, I’ll not lie to her. She’ll get the truth from me.”
“So you won’t say anything to the contrary, unless she personally asks you about it?”
“Yes. That’s my compromise. And that especially goes for all the religious nonsense.”
“Good. I can agree to that, Mr. Ethics. But you said you took the tooth. Now what? Never mind. I’ll go right now and put some coins under her pillow under the pretense of waking her up. She’ll never notice me doing it.”
“No! Don’t do that. You said, ‘She’ll never notice me doing it?’ You sound guilty about doing it. Is it that you feel guilty of lying to your own five-year old precious girl? You have to be careful not to get caught? Your words and actions betray you. But the entertaining lie is worth it to you. Why don’t you thoroughly indoctrinate her to believe that two plus two is five? Her teacher will love that, and she won’t be very entertained by it either.”
“It’s harmless fun. Stop being a jerk. When you took the tooth, did you leave any money?”
“Of course not. What the hell do you think I’ve been saying for the last ten minutes. Leaving a tooth under a pillow to get money from an imaginary person is bizarre. Of course I didn’t leave money.”
“Did you like getting money for a tooth when you were a kid?”
“Well, I uuh. That doesn’t matter.”
“You did, didn’t you. You thought it was fun. Mr. Ethics actually got joy out of a lie. That’s funny. Ironic, too. You know that Sarah will be angry in the morning.”
“Let’s wait and see what happens. I know she’ll be angry, but if she asks me for the truth, I’ll tell her the truth.”
“But only if she asks you that, right?”
“Right. You’ll have to answer her other questions so you can attempt to support your lies about a Tooth Fairy.”
“Jerk.”
“Liar.”
Both Joe and Carrol secretly dreaded what would happen at the breakfast table in the morning. Sleep didn’t arrive on its magic flying mattress for a couple of hours that were filled with sighs, throat clearing, and twisting and turning which made the mattress act like a rowboat on a turbulent sea.
*******
In the morning, Sarah ran to the kitchen table, looked at her mom and dad and cried as she rubbed away her streaming tears while she continued to blubber incoherently until she was able to calm down.
“The Tooth Fairy took my tooth an She didn’t leave any money. I want to get candy.” She started hyperventilating again with short, fast breaths, saying, “ I’m a bad girl so she’s mad at me. What did I do wrong Mommy? She took my tooth. Why did she do that? Why is she so mean, Mommy?”
Sarah buried her reddened face in her mother’s lap. The muffled cries continued, then slowly eased. She lifted her head and rubbed her eyes vigorously, and soon the entire area from her cheeks to her eyebrows turned a blush red.
She stood still, helpless, speechless and sad.
Carrol said, “Come. Have some cereal with us. Your dad will explain why there was no money under your pillow and where your tooth is.” Carrol, with a frown, looked sideways at Joe.
Sarah sat in front of the bowl of cereal that her mom poured, then added milk. Sarah didn’t pick up her spoon. She stared at her dad, as her mom walked away. Carrol sneered at Joe, then went to the sink area to stay away and look as if she were busy.
Sarah was calm now, enough to munch on her first spoonful of cereal. As she was chewing, she looked at her dad and said, “Will you explain to me, daddy?”
Joe, hesitated, started, hesitated again, then found his words of explanation. He explained about the illogic of invisible beings, that parents create to entertain their children. He explained about imaginary beings that did not really exist but were fun for little children to believe for their entertainment value. When he thought he was done and had been successful, his face looked happy. He showed Sarah a toothy smile before saying, “Now you understand and won’t be fooled at the silly things that some people want you to believe but aren’t true. OK?”
“You stoleded my tooth. You said never to steal something that don’t belong to you. But you did it!” Sarah shouted, then, growing more calm, she added, “I want my tooth back. Mommy said that the Tooth Fairy was a nice, pretty lady with beautiful, rainbow-colored wings, gold hair, a sparkly dress an a magic wand. Mommy said the Tooth Fairy wants kids to be happy ‘cause losing teeth is scary.” Sarah turned in her chair to look at her mom who showed raised eyebrows and a wrinkled forehead with her lips pressed together, giving a silent, secret message to Joe that said I told you what would happen. Then she said, “Speaking of teeth, Mr. Logic, your dental appointment for a cleaning is in an hour. You better brush and get going.”
When her dad got up from the table Sarah stepped in front of him, looked up and put her hand palm upward toward him. “My tooth, please.” she said, almost ready to cry again.
Joe reached into his pocket, pulled out the tooth and dropped it into her hand. It was all done without a pleasant smile from Joe. His face turned reddish. Later Sarah thought that she had never been mad at her dad before and how strange that feeling was.
Carrol returned from the sink to talk to Sarah as Sarah finished her breakfast cereal. In the background they could hear the whine of Joe’s electric toothbrush.
*******
At the dentist’s office, the secretary told Joe that a new dental hygienist would clean his teeth because his regular hygienist had a cold.
Joe stated, “Doesn’t matter who cleans my teeth”. He found a seat in the waiting room, but as his buttocks landed softly on the chair seat, his name was called to come to room number four. So, as an airplane touches down softly on the runway, then suddenly takes off again, he stood and walked to the designated room.
Joe hadn’t been seated in the dental chair more than thirty seconds when a stunning red headed angel walked into the room. She looked heavenly and he could even imagine wings on her back. Tall, slim and large bosomed, Joe could not take his eyes off her. When she got close to his face, and he could smell her perfume, he felt as if he were ice melting into a pleasure pool. He tingled all over. When she walked around the room getting dental tools, he turned his head sideways and delighted at her perfectly curvaceous body. He sensed that he had never felt quite like this before. He needed to hold the chair arms tightly to prevent himself from reaching out to touch her.
When she turned and came to him again, she smiled, stared into his eyes, making him feel pleasantly dazed and numb. He heard her tools picking at his teeth but could feel nothing. Her bosom rubbed his shoulder as she worked. The experience was of supreme euphoria. He had to fight the tumescence trying to tent his pants. The bright dental light was a warm sun, she was the flower, and he was the admirer.
Joe fought his urges and had a minor twinge of guilt, but it vanished almost instantly when her face again came close to his. He focused on her skin. It was a porcelain pale that shone softly, contrasted with her ruby lipstick. A goddess, he thought, then he thought made in heaven, paying no attention to his own disbelief in a heaven or a hell.
Suddenly he had to use the dental bib to wipe the drool away from the corners of his mouth.
Neither of them talked. It was as if they could communicate with their thoughts, which embarrassed Joe and put a blush on her cheeks. He felt an irresistible attraction to her as his vision blurred and his mind stopped functioning logically. Then he lost track of time and floated away in a dream.
The hygienist turned Joe’s head towards herself and although unaware, he opened his mouth. He was staring deeply into her mesmerizing eyes, the blush of her cheeks, the gently tapered chin and the cutest button nose he’d ever seen.
He was in a daze and felt weak. His mouth hurt a little as it usually did after a cleaning when the gums were accidentally scraped with a plaque removing tool.
“All done,” came an ethereal voice that seemed to him to float in the air. He saw and heard each word as they floated in a visible black stream that entered his ears.
As he walked down the hallway, he staggered slightly. He continued slowly and entered the waiting room, then proceeded toward the exit door.
He heard, “Mr. Hart! Mr. Hart! Don’t leave until I schedule your next exam and cleaning appointment.”
He turned toward her and smiled lazily, as if he were high on a drug. Staggering slightly, he made his way to the secretary whose eyes suddenly bulged as her mouth opened in a capital “O” out of concern for him.
“What?” questioned Joe. “Why you looking at me like that?” He noticed that his words were slurred and mispronounced, but he ignored that, attributing it to extra saliva and his increasingly sore gums.
When he stood before the secretary, she was speechless, trying to talk but only making hesitant and throat-clearing sounds. She swallowed then found her voice. “Mr. Hart? Your teeth are gone. All of them.”
With a belly laugh that erupted like vomit, he smirked and said, mockingly, “Doon ba sully. Nut fun-ee.” He and everyone else must have heard how strange his voice sounded. His brain was slow to form a sentence of explanation, but his hand rose to his lips, wanting to feel his teeth.
He was facing the secretary. The patients in the waiting room overheard what was going on and most of them strained for a position where they could see his face, especially his mouth.
Joe looked at his hand. All they felt were his gums, but there was no blood. How could all my teeth be gone, and without blood. What the hell is happening?
He noticed the secretary holding something in front of him, a mirror. He snapped his hand out and took it, then held it up in front of him. Seeing no teeth and no blood, he looked more closely. Holy shit, he thought. My teeth are gone, but the gums looked healed. “This must be a dream,” he whispered. “Gotta be.”
Joe turned toward the surrounding noise, facing the other patients and was faced with a cacophony of laughter, continued laughter, sustained and loud. His face flushed.
Turning back to the secretary, Joe demanded, “Who was that red headed hygienist that cleaned my teeth?”
“Mr. Hart, I apologize for the delay. We’ve had some sickness causing some absences. Your scheduled hygienist is caught in traffic but will be here soon.”
“Don’t bullshit me, lady. That’s impossible. As impossible as my teeth being gone without any bleeding.”
The secretary strained to understand his words which were malformed due to the absence of his teeth.
Joe ran to room number four. It was empty with no evidence of use, not even the dental bib that he wore, or the dental tools and supplies that were used.
He ran angrily back to the secretary shouting, “How could that witch pull out all my teeth?”
“Who pulled your teeth?”
“That damn red headed hygienist!” he shouted in frustration.
“Mr. Hart. We don’t have a hygienist with red hair. You’ve seen all our hygienists in previous visits. None have red hair. Also, room four is used only for cleaning teeth. It has no dental equipment in it for extracting teeth. I don’t know what else to say. I’m as confused as you.”
The senior dentist arrived during this pause and asked what was happening. The secretary had a difficult time explaining due to Joe’s constant angry interruptions.
The dentist looked as confused as everybody else. He fast-stepped it to room four. It looked unused, but Joe was the first one scheduled for a cleaning. There should be evidence of that.
When he returned he inquired, “Who’s the hygienist that worked on him?”
“She’s caught in traffic. Hasn’t arrived yet, but Mr. Hart says he was sent to room four to wait for Shirley to arrive, but I didn’t make an announcement for him to go to room four. I didn’t notice that he was gone from the waiting room. I can’t explain it.”
“Listen!” Joe yelled, “There was a pretty red headed female hygienist who was working on me. Who the hell is she?”
The room grew quiet as a wake and that’s why the low tittering of waiting room patients could be heard. Throaty laughs, nasal laughs, high- and low-pitched laughs, and muffled laughs from people trying to restrain themselves. And a glance at the people in the waiting room showed some of them touching their teeth and gums with relief, as if the same thing could happen to them.
A little girl was heard to say, “Mommy? Can he chew gum with no teeth?” Her older brother joked, “He’s already got gum in his mouth.” The little girl didn’t understand until her bother pointed to his upper and lower gums.
*******
Joe drove home disgusted, swearing to himself and constantly using the rear-view mirror to look at his toothless mouth. He had only asked for the morning to be away from work but had to call his superior at work to get the remainder of the afternoon off as well.
It was a difficult Friday afternoon and evening for him. He had to negotiate the high hurdles of embarrassing waiting room laughter and the low hurdles of his own anger and disgust. He was surrounded with family compassion but was wise enough to know that private laughter was occurring behind closed doors. He didn’t expect to get much sleep, so he told Carrol and Sarah that he’d sleep in his living room recliner chair.
Saturday morning he woke early but stayed in bed for another two hours of sleep. It was also a way to temporarily avoid the pity and laughter of his family. When he woke, he rose, thought about his day and immediately became grumpy. When he walked into the kitchen, Carrol and Sarah were finishing their cereal and toast. They looked at him and, in unison, said, “Good morning.” Then they looked down at their cereal bowls, avoiding meeting his eyes. Joe walked to his usual spot at the table. On the way he saw a glass half full of milk waiting for him. It was somewhat blurry and reminded him to get his glasses after his shower. When he sat down he discerned that it wasn’t milk in the glass. The glass was half full of his clean, bright white teeth, all of them. Next to the glass was a pile of new, shiny pennies. “One for each tooth? He muttered to himself.”
Sarah half-smiled wickedly at her dad as Carrol continued to look at and moved her spoon around in the cereal bowl.
“What the hell is this powder? Did you spill glitter here, Sarah?”
“No daddy. That’s fairy dust.”
Carrol added, “Dear, we’ll get you the best dentures available, no matter what the cost and, if they can, we’ll have the denture maker use your own teeth.”
*******
Note: I wrote this after having my teeth cleaned at the dentist’s office where all of this story came together in my imagination.
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